The relationship between schools and parents plays a crucial role in a child’s education and overall well-being. For a child to truly flourish, there must be a strong collaboration and mutual respect between these two pillars of support. Unfortunately, there are instances where schools might blame parents, label children, or disregard parental input. It is essential to address these concerns and develop collaborative, respectful relationships that place children’s needs at the centre of everything.
One area that requires deeper understanding is masking (when an individual hides their true thoughts and feelings, often at the cost of their mental and emotional well-being). Schools need to be educated about this, and have an awareness that it can lead to burnout and emotional distress for the child. The ‘coke can’ effect also needs to be acknowledged (when a child, who has held everything in all day ‘lets it all out’ once they are in a safer space). Many professionals claim that children are ‘fine in school’, and that any ‘behaviour that challenges’ at home must therefore be a result of parenting. But typically, children experience ‘after school restraint collapse’ due to experiencing such overwhelm and exhaustion from keeping it together at school, that they need to release this pent up energy.
When parents communicate this experience to educators, they are often dismissed, and judgements about their parenting are made. Parents possess experiences and insights that can help form a bigger picture of children’s strengths and difficulties, which can inform how to further support a child at school. But in an ideal world, educators should be interested in the overall well-being of children, beyond how this impacts their experience at school.
As the home environment can be an anchor of safety and support for a child, a child who has outbursts at school may experience less at home, because they feel safe, secure and regulated. This was the case for our children. Our youngest in particular experienced burnout from full time education, and it was described by professionals that he was in crisis. We agreed! When his timetable was reduced, with more consecutive days at home, the difference in his regulation was startling. School holidays were also notably calmer for him, so it was undeniable that attending school (despite how badly he wanted to go, as he loved seeing friends and feeling that he belonged somewhere), was dysregulating him.
A number of factors contributed to this… but as a PDAer, the demands of school, no matter what accommodations were made, was just too much. You often hear how school is not appropriate for PDAers, and from experience I’m inclined to agree. However, there are some children, like mine, who desperately want to go. I’ll admit that I sometimes wish my children wanted to be at home, as it would be easier for all of us in so many ways. But as I mentioned before… the relationships they have made, and the sense of belonging they have from being at school, make the idea of being at home unappealing for them. So although this creates a lot of difficulties in terms of trying to encourage educators to understand them, and a lot of advocacy on our part as parents (which is not always welcomed or well received), we are committed to doing whatever we can to make school ‘work’ for them.
In situations where a child faces difficulties either at school or home, blaming parents or teachers will not serve the child’s best interests, so neither party should be deflecting blame onto the other. Instead, empathy and open communication are vital for identifying triggers, thinking of proactive solutions and building a supportive network around the child. Shifting from an ‘us against them’ mindset is not always easy… but is essential. The focus should instead be on working together as a cohesive team, valuing the unique insights each party brings to the table.
Effective and confident educators should be open to self-reflection and continuous improvement. By encouraging teachers and staff to reflect on their practices, schools can identify areas that need enhancement to better support their students and families.
By placing the child’s needs and best interests at the forefront, schools and parents can create an educational environment that is nurturing, inclusive, safe and positive. Parents and teachers are equally important in developing this, and will hopefully develop a greater appreciation of what each party has to contribute, building mutually trusting relationships… which will always benefit children.
